Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Is it because I queefed?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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