Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
