He asked me if I "almost moaned"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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