I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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