she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
