honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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