my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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