this beer tastes like vomit already
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
