she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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