do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
