remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
farters have to be the big spoon...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
