The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
