now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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