Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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