true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
