Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
