My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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