I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
