I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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