Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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