whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
