The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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