smell my finger.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
