My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
