i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
