Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Randomize
