if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
