found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
