Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize