forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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