If i come over, it means nothing
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
