What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
