so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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