There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
