update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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