Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
