dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
