No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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