just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
