Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
