my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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