Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My bed smells like the plague
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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