We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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