literally had 100 drinks last night.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
