I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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