I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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