so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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