apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
