your parents love me but you hate me
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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