I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize