We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
