I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize