White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Randomize
