If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
