I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
