You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
