did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
