he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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