How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
