Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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