I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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