I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
