Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
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