You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
