so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
