You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
