you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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