after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
