i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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