you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
