Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
