Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
