she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
