and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
